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I’ve wanted to write this post for a while now but I’ve had so many thoughts going through my head I didn’t know where to begin!

*Disclaimer – I will be discussing things that people suffering from an ED may find triggering as well as this being a generally wordy and for some, boring as hell post ;-)*

I think the last time I wrote one of these kind of posts I was really starting to realise that I needed to gain a little bit of weight and I had just started having a few ‘over eating’ episodes. Since August I’ve gained about 7lbs – I’m not completely sure if that’s right as I haven’t weighed myself in a couple of weeks – more on that in a mo!

I just want to prefix this by saying that having an odd ‘over eating’ occurrence is totally normal- we’ve all stuffed ourselves full sometimes and I think having a few snacky evenings every once in a while is fine! However the issues for me has been the frequency of overeating and how its made me feel.

September and October where pretty bad months in terms of the over eating episodes and I’m pretty certain that’s its due to them that I’ve gained weight. I’ve had mixed feelings about these episodes – on one hand I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t feel completely out of control, I needed to gain some weight and I enjoyed the food I was eating. On the other hand, over eating like that left me feeling physically un well and very worried that my weight was going to balloon out of control.

While all this was happening I was trying to get my head around just eating what I wanted within reason and allowing my body to come to its natural happy weight. During November I had a couple of over eating episodes but not as bad as before and I finally feel like I’m gaining some balance – although it feels like I’ve been saying that forever! I’m happy that I gained that weight and I feel stronger for it, however I’m still plagued with some negative thought patterns about this weight gain such as:

• What happens if the weight gain doesn’t stop?
• What will I do if I get too big for my clothes? (I can answer this one now – the same as I did when I lost weight: eBay!)
• Will people see me as a failure if I gain weight back (even if its actually healthy for me?)

Although I do have these worries, I’m trying to overcome them by focusing on the real reasons I live the way I do now: to feel healthy and at my best! I’m also sick of over analysing every mouthful – ‘am I eating enough? am I eating too much? I am so over it! I’m getting much better at just eating what I want, in the amounts I want, without it being too excessive and without analysing it.

I had also found that I had returned to constantly weighing myself which was really doing me no favours. One night after over eating a bit I weighed myself and got a shock at how high the number was, went to bed really upset, then weighed myself the next morning to see that I was 8lb lighter! The scales are evil! That made me realise that although the scales can be useful tools for some people – for me and where I am currently, they don’t help. As my weight has dropped in the past and because I’ve been overweight before it makes sense to monitor things, but there’s nothing the scale can offer me that looking in the mirror or checking the fit of my jeans can’t. I’m going to be really strict with myself and only get weighed once every 4 – 6 weeks as a final check.

I’ve also been taking a really long hard look at myself recently, why I blog and why I eat the way I do. I think some healthy living blogs attract a lot of criticism sometimes and I just wanted to be clear that I do question myself a lot of time – at the end of the day all any of us can do is stay true to ourselves. I was actually starting to feel guilty for not eating more sweets and stuff after some comments – but I can’t be something that I’m not and I’m certainly not going to feel pressured to change the way I eat to make other people happy, I’ve had enough of that to last me a lifetime!

We all have our own definition of what is healthy for us as individuals. I have examined why I make the food and exercise choices I do, and I can say hand on heart that I eat and exercise the way I do for all the right reasons. I’m a ‘mostly’ vegan because I genuinely love the food, how it makes me feel and the ethical and environmental reasons. I’m not a mostly vegan to restrict my intake. I enjoy raw foods because I find them interesting, creative and yummy and of course they are also healthy which makes me feel good! I exercise 6 times a week because I love it, exercise makes me feel strong and empowered. One of the reasons I exercise is to help maintain a healthy weight, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. I eat a lot of green smoothies and salads because I think they are utterly delicious, the fact that they are healthy is just a bonus ;-) I don’t eat a lot of processed or sugary foods because they make me feel like crap – I get headaches and heart burn and yes, I sometimes don’t eat them because I want to maintain a healthy weight and that is ok too. I think it can be useful to ‘check in’ with yourself – especially when you read blogs and can be easily influenced!

I’m the first to admit that the way I eat and exercise can’t be classed as ‘normal’ but in this day and age what the hell is normal? Statistically speaking normal is being overweight or obese, having diabetes or heart disease and only 1 in 4 meals being home cooked. If that’s normal then I’m happy to be different! Within obvious reason I think its up to you to decide what is your normal and what is a healthy balance for you.

My dream of being a diet and nutrition advisor and delivering healthy living programmes out in the community have also prompted this cold hard look at myself and my healthy living philosophy – if I’m going to be able to help people live healthier happier lives I need to get my own house in order. I can truly say that I’m closer to that point now than I’ve ever been before, and I’m hoping that all of the ups and downs I’ve experienced in my journey is going to make me more able to relate to other peoples problems and issues.

As for weight maintenance – I can remember when I was losing weight, I imagined that once I got to goal weight it would be all unicorns and rainbows! Its definitely not as straight forward as I’d imagined, I never thought that being too skinny would be an issue for me!

I guess I’m at a place now where I’m simultaneously re gaining some control in terms of over eating and at the same time letting go of a lot of worries I’ve had about weight gain, what I’m eating and how I look. Step by step, I’m improving my relationship with food and my body :-)

If you’ve got this far, thanks for reading my ramblings! What’s your relationship with the scale? Do you find it a help or a hindrance? Do you ever question your choices and lifestyle? What role do blogs play in influencing your lifestyle choices?